The Continent of Asia

So this one is going to come out of left field, but this update is to give an F- to the continent of Asia. Yeah, I’m as surprised as any of you, I never saw it coming. I mean, all the guys wear suits, the food is good (mostly), people are constantly yelling, it seems pretty awesome. But that’s just the surface, covering up the filthy suck that pervades the continent.

Now, keep in mind, I’m doing Asia here, which includes India. I could sit here and rail on it for being overpopulated, or smelling horrendous, or being generally disgusting. But I won’t (other than that sentence I just wrote where I did). What I will say is that when Bollywood movie stars die, those people fucking riot. For days. Like, set fire to shit and choke each other and go nuts. The worst we ever did for a dead movie star in America is pretend that, after Heath Ledger died, that a Knight’s Tale was good and artistic. Whoops!

Now I’ll move North, into what I call “Classic Asia.” I won’t go into the veritable sweaty rape-fest that is the subway system, or the tentacle porn thing. No, my complaints are more subtle (idiotic). One of my biggest problems with Asia is the whole chopsticks thing. Let me preface this by saying that I know how to use chopsticks, and also I love having silverware that so easily encourages drumming on the table. But what I hate is people ripping on white people for not knowing how to use it. They always give me plastic forks at Chinese restaurants because I am extremely white (I’m talking like, ABBA white, almost). If they get on my case for not knowing chopsticks, I fire back with this: who’s the culture that never advanced its silverware technology beyond the use of two sticks? I think that’s how chimps get ants out of anthills on the Savannah. I feel like them handing out forks totally admits that forks work better and are easier to use. Just like the difference between Windows and Mac.

And while we’re on food/food related inventions, this culture doesn’t use cheese. What the fuck. I mean, not just that they didn’t figure out how to make it, ever, but even after they were exposed to it, it never made it into their food. Seriously, that sucks. And yes, to answer your question, I have had the Chinese dish “crab cheese,” but I don’t count that, because it resembles neither crab, nor cheese. Basically, this is a culture that invented fireworks, but not cheese or silverware. I can’t say that my priorities, as an inventor, wouldn’t be similar, but then again, that’s why I’m not creating my own culture, isn’t it?

Also, Japan, please answer my question: are you aware of the insane ironic enjoyment of your culture? There’s no way you’re serious about your TV/movies/making Hello Kitty your cultural ambassador to tourists (seriously they did that recently). Please, tell me, I don’t honestly know if you’re making all these insane TV shows and laughing at them with us, or if you’re serious. There’s no way you really can be putting out an insane cartoon about magic angel robots from space who have to fight some kind of giant plants or whatever the fuck and not see the retardedness of that. I simply can’t accept that.

Until I get some answers, Asia, I’m going to have to give you a big red F-. Deal with it.

If you have answers to that question, or if you want to tell me how awesome chopsticks are and that I suck, or if you have any other ideas for things that suck and deserve an F-, email me at johnnyjive@hotmail.com