I tried to take a vacation last week, if that helps explain the lack of posting (as opposed to my usual laziness being the culprit). But alas, there can be no vacation from suck. The fat bearded ewok George Lucas saw to that with his glorious “film” Indiana Jones And The Movie I Will Pretend I Didn’t Watch.
This movie is a fucking mess, let me get that out of the way early, in case you’re already way too retarded to figure out that I’d be talking about something I disliked in something called the F- Blog. I can’t believe this movie got made, honestly. I thought it would be another faux-pulp romp through Egypt or some jungle or wherever-the-fuck-some-damn-relic-is-this-time. Instead I got a good old fashioned eye-raping.
First we’re treated to a laughably bad dub of an aging Indiana mysteriously lisping his way through some hackneyed lines (“I like Ike” is not acceptable for last words, Indiana. Whoever wrote this, stop writing things. NOW). I know George Lucas lives on some kind of nutty ranch, but I still thought he had enough money to sync up sounds and visuals.
The first scene continues to dazzle as our Russian villainess drifts in and out of her terrible accent like a weaving drunk. Seriously, Cate Blanchett? I would expect this kind of crap from Eliza Dushku or something, but you? You’re better than this.
The movie somehow gets much much worse from here, as the viewer is treated to (punished with) the reunited Jones family being cheesy through South America together, an alien plot that I refused to accept that I was watching until I saw the crappy fucking alien at the end of the movie, and of course, Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees of a jungle canopy with a group of terribly animated monkeys. Any one of those things would have been godawful in its own right, but this movie just piled on the horrible like I’ve never seen before.
Shia LaBeouf is supposed to be tough in this movie. Do you hate it yet? Because you should. If you don’t understand why you should hate it, based on that piece of information, than stop reading this blog, or stop having someone read it to you.
But if you think Shia LaBeouf is a dreamy hunky tough guy, or you’ve ever wished grandma and grandpa would go resurrect some dead interdimensional pieces of crap with a plastic hydrocephalic skull, or you want to see some 100 million dollar fan fiction, get your ass to whatever theater is still playing this before I burn it down.
Since I like to be helpful, here are some alternate titles for this movie. George, I will sell any of them to you for $50, or two hours of my life back, whichever is easiest for you.
Indiana Jones And The Pixar Alien
Indiana Jones And The Sweatiest Story Ever Told
Indiana Jones And The Golden AARP Card
Indiana Jones As ACTION GRANDPA!
Indiana Jones And That Shitty Kid From Transformers
You’re Welcome, Mr. Lucas, or Grandpa Suck, as I shall now know you.
So George Lucas, Harrison Ford, and S. La B. you all get an F- to share amongst yourselves, and I’ll be damned if you didn’t all earn it. If you’d like to appeal this, or get an F- for each of you so you don’t have to figure out a complicated schedule for sharing it, feel free to hit me in the face with a bullwhip/lightsaber, set a pack of crappy CG ants on me, or do it the hard way and email johnnyjive@hotmail.com
This movie is a fucking mess, let me get that out of the way early, in case you’re already way too retarded to figure out that I’d be talking about something I disliked in something called the F- Blog. I can’t believe this movie got made, honestly. I thought it would be another faux-pulp romp through Egypt or some jungle or wherever-the-fuck-some-damn-relic-is-this-time. Instead I got a good old fashioned eye-raping.
First we’re treated to a laughably bad dub of an aging Indiana mysteriously lisping his way through some hackneyed lines (“I like Ike” is not acceptable for last words, Indiana. Whoever wrote this, stop writing things. NOW). I know George Lucas lives on some kind of nutty ranch, but I still thought he had enough money to sync up sounds and visuals.
The first scene continues to dazzle as our Russian villainess drifts in and out of her terrible accent like a weaving drunk. Seriously, Cate Blanchett? I would expect this kind of crap from Eliza Dushku or something, but you? You’re better than this.
The movie somehow gets much much worse from here, as the viewer is treated to (punished with) the reunited Jones family being cheesy through South America together, an alien plot that I refused to accept that I was watching until I saw the crappy fucking alien at the end of the movie, and of course, Shia LaBeouf swinging through the trees of a jungle canopy with a group of terribly animated monkeys. Any one of those things would have been godawful in its own right, but this movie just piled on the horrible like I’ve never seen before.
Shia LaBeouf is supposed to be tough in this movie. Do you hate it yet? Because you should. If you don’t understand why you should hate it, based on that piece of information, than stop reading this blog, or stop having someone read it to you.
But if you think Shia LaBeouf is a dreamy hunky tough guy, or you’ve ever wished grandma and grandpa would go resurrect some dead interdimensional pieces of crap with a plastic hydrocephalic skull, or you want to see some 100 million dollar fan fiction, get your ass to whatever theater is still playing this before I burn it down.
Since I like to be helpful, here are some alternate titles for this movie. George, I will sell any of them to you for $50, or two hours of my life back, whichever is easiest for you.
Indiana Jones And The Pixar Alien
Indiana Jones And The Sweatiest Story Ever Told
Indiana Jones And The Golden AARP Card
Indiana Jones As ACTION GRANDPA!
Indiana Jones And That Shitty Kid From Transformers
You’re Welcome, Mr. Lucas, or Grandpa Suck, as I shall now know you.
So George Lucas, Harrison Ford, and S. La B. you all get an F- to share amongst yourselves, and I’ll be damned if you didn’t all earn it. If you’d like to appeal this, or get an F- for each of you so you don’t have to figure out a complicated schedule for sharing it, feel free to hit me in the face with a bullwhip/lightsaber, set a pack of crappy CG ants on me, or do it the hard way and email johnnyjive@hotmail.com
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