Tokio Hotel, + Mailbag Bonus

I was going to write this week about Tokio Hotel. I have no idea how I haven’t gotten around to them yet, but seriously, they are more deserving of an F- than anyone previously featured in this blog. They are insanely terrible. They are actually starting to catch up to Insane Clown Posse in the race to be the Worst Anything Ever ™.

They just won the MTV VMA for Best New Artist, which is impressive, considering I’ve never heard them mentioned on television before, and I’ve only heard of them through a particularly white-trash acquaintance of mine. Other notable winners of Best New Artist include institutions of crap such as Hootie & the Blowfish, Avril Lavigne, and Maroon 5, alongside such no-name go-nowhere’s as Michael Penn, ‘Til Tuesday, and Jesus Jones. Let us pray to whatever God we have, flawed though he may be for allowing Satan to create Tokio Hotel, that this band joins the ranks of the latter group, and fade into obscurity, thereby eliminating my need to assassinate them.

I wanted to write about how awful their music is, and how awful their videos are, but for the life of me, I can’t listen to or watch them for more than 15 seconds at a time. Honestly I can’t. I watched about 38 seconds of one of their interviews (which remains my personal record for looking at or hearing them) and they were such unmitigated douchebags I just wanted to cry for every moronic, jelly-bracelet-wearing wreck of a teenager getting her ears raped by their overproduced schlock.

So Tokio Hotel, for actually being too awful to even be accurately judged, you get a gigantic red F-. You deserve the next ten of them I give out. You deserve all of the hate in my black, black heart. If you want to call me and gibber at me in German to try and appeal this ruling, or send your army of shrieking middle-school minions on me, go for it. But for the rest of you, if you know of something that sucks, email me at johnnyjive@hotmail.com

MAILBAG SPECIAL: Here is an email I received last week, reprinted in all of its fraudulent glory.

SUBJ: Yer a dead man

Hey Bitch, This is Shia LeBeouf.

I took the time to read your crappy blog, I see you like trash talking people because you're not famous. Well I give you and your dumb fucking face an F- for being such a uppity asshole!! You know why I'm Indy's son and you're just a lame ass with a blog? Because I got something you don't, talent, so go ahead and hate me for it.

If you ever happen to leave that toilet you call a city and are ever in my area, and you see me, you better just walk away, because I will wreck your face. And I will, just look how fucking strong I am!!! http://innerjoejoe.wordpress.com/2008/02/22/hotness-random-shia-labeouf-maybe/

Crappily yours,

Shia LeBUFF!


Seriously, Y’all are the best readers in the world.